L is for Letters
by sapphire blue-ruby red roses
Summary: Allen died defeating the Earl and left Kanda a stack of letters to read. No one knows exactly how the words on those thin slips of paper would effect him.


**This is the second story in a challenge I've bestowed on myself where I have to decide on a prompt for each letter of the alphabet and then write a story/one-shot for each letter, hence the title. The first story is called "C is for Change".**

**Disclaimer: I do not own D. Gray-Man**

**Sorry for any typos I may have missed.**

L is for Letters

Kanda stared unseeingly at the stack of letters he'd been given my Komui that now rested in his lap. He didn't hear the comforting words Komui was spewing at him, Lenalee and Lavi. He didn't feel the arms that slid around his shoulders, or the face that pressed into his uniform jacket. He was numb to all sensation except for his fingers running across the crisp papers and the indentations the pen had made. He couldn't think, he could only feel the unfamiliar crush of sorrow on his chest.

His mind could only replay those last, final moments. Allen and the Earl dropping simultaneously from the sky. The screams of Road and Lenalee the loudest out of the entire group. His body dropping into Kanda's arms, heavy but weightless at the same time. The last soft press of those warm, bloodstained lips on his own in a final farewell. "I love you," being whispered on his final breath. Those last, devastating moments when everything just stopped.

There had been no more Akuma attacking them. There had been no more screams of the wounded, of the fighting, of the broken over the lost. It had only been him and the silent, still young man in his arms. He'd looked so peaceful, yet drained of life when before he had been so full of hope and happiness that is annoyed Kanda most of the time.

He'd watched as the light of Allen's innocence had dwindled into just a dull glow on his left hand. His own innocence had since then started to barely react when close to Allen's raw innocence which he now carried with him everywhere. Even at that moment, it slumbered safely in his pocket, waiting for its next accommodator.

Gently, Kanda broke the black wax seal in the shape of a clown, careful not to destroy the delicate design. He extracted the letter, unfolding the pages. The careful cursive was something he'd become familiar after the years of living in England, but Allen's had always reminded him of Japanese calligraphy.

_Dear Kanda,_

_If you ever get your hands on the letters I plan to write, don't try to ask me why I started writing them to you because I have just as much as an idea as do. I just have this feeling that when we do finally become friends -and I know we will, one way or another- I won't get the chance to tell you everything that has happened to me. So here I am, writing you a letter that I don't intend to ever send even though I know you hate me, and even though I know I hate you._

_I don't know, it's just that, after this first mission with you in Mater, I can't help but be drawn to you. You are a complexity to me, and I want to know more about you. I can't say it's anything more than curiosity, but it feels like more. I feel drawn to you like a hummingbird to flowers. I feel like you're hiding more than you let on, and I want to learn everything I can about it._

_I know. I know. I sound like a silly schoolgirl developing a crush, and to tell you honestly, that's how I feel. But if I can get closer to you, if I can learn more about you and your past, if I can become one of your friends and comrades, then that's fine. It'll be worth it in the end. I'm sure._

_Your fellow exorcist, Allen Walker._

_P.S.- Why the hell do you call be beansprout or moyashi?_

Kanda stared down at the words on the page before him in confusion. He wanted to smile and curl into a ball all at the same time. He couldn't understand why Allen had become so interested in him so early on. He couldn't deny that he hadn't been intrigued by the boy after that first mission, but he'd put him out of his mind, trying to ignore him. It's not like he'd been important. He was just another pawn in the Black Order and the Earl's game. Yet it seemed that every time he'd managed to forget his name, Allen had seemingly materialized to annoy him some more and concrete himself in Kanda's mind.

After that one fateful mission where they'd been on their own, no Finders or other accompaniments, which had ended with ripped clothes and a room sticky with their passion, it had dawned on Kanda that the boy had wormed his way into his trust. Somehow, even through all of the hate and anger and aloofness, Allen had become precious to him just like Lenalee and Alma.

He couldn't understand it, and he had a feeling he never would.

Shaking his head, Kanda moved on to the next letter. He steadily moved through them, taking time to let the words of each permeate his senses. They weren't anything special. They were short, sometimes long. They spoke of mundane, everyday topics with short summaries of the mission. Occasionally, something Allen had found particularly interesting on his mission was mentioned. Sometime, they were just long summaries of what had happened on the mission, every detail accounted for from how Kanda's hair had floated on the wind to the emotions he'd seen in the townspeople's eyes. They may have been carefree and slightly naive, but they were so blatantly Allen that it hurt.

It wasn't until a few years back that the letter's started to change. They got darker, more thoughtful. They were full of yearning and hope, and the despair he'd always refused to show anyone. Kanda had rarely been allowed to see that side of him, but he had in those times Allen had clung to him in bed and soaked his shirt with his tears. It wasn't hard to tell that that was around the time when the 14th had begun to awaken, when the Black Order had started keeping an eye on him.

Finally, Kanda reached the last letter. It was soft, creamy white. The ink was Allen's preferred dark blue. In one of his letters, he'd said he used blue because it reminded him of Kanda's eyes. The wax seal wasn't Allen's customary clown, but a thin, lethal katana, so similar to Mugen that he was sure it's been mottled after his blade.

With as much care as the first, Kanda broke the seal, extracting the letter within.

_To my dearest Kanda,_

_I realize that this is breaking my usual cycle of writing a letter __**after**__ the mission, but this time, I don't think I'll be coming back. I know that I shouldn't be saying such ominous things right before such a big, important battle, but I feel they must be said. They aren't the only things that should be said. The time before a big battle, when we all know there's a possibility someone may not return, is a time to make amendments and confessions. I can bet you right now that Lavi is finally confessing to Lenalee after years of procrastination, or maybe Miranda's finally taking the dive and trusting Marie with her heart. Or maybe both. Hopefully both since I went and talked to both of them. Actually, I've talked to everyone but you. I'd rather show you my words and regrets and love through actions, but if that wasn't enough, I will be instructing Komui to give all of my letters that I've written so far to you if I don't return. Or at least if I return in a coffin. Sorry, that was a really stupid thing to say, but in light of the situation at hand, it is a very real possibility._

_Throughout all of the years that we've fought side by side, I think all of the ones where I was with all of you were the best. You and I both know there were those couple of years where I wasn't able to be by your side, but I'm not counting those. Every day was amazing and fantastic in this place I've come to call home because of everyone. But mostly, it was because of you. You were my friend, my comrade, and my partner in the truest sense of the word, and I'm sorry that I'll be leaving you soon. I wish we had more time. I wish I could shower you with more love, but today with have to do._

_Once I'm gone, remember that the world isn't over. The world keeps turning. The ocean keeps flowing. Time keeps ticking forward. Live for the life that I didn't get the time to live. Don't ignore the people who hold you dear. Don't dismiss quiet advice, or concerned questions. The people who say them aren't just saying them for the hell of it. They're concerned and they want what's best for you, even if you don't think they do. Take chance and risks. Fall in love. Raise a family. Have fun. Be the kid you never got the chance to be because of this damn war._

_There are many things I wish I could have told you, despite whether I've told you them before or not. Like how much I love you hair and never to cut it, and how I love to run my fingers through it when you're awake or asleep. Or how I can actually see the lotus in your hourglass even though it's just supposed to be an illusion. Or that I love watching you train because it looks like you're dance, and not just fighting. I love everything about you whether good or bad. I'm sorry I never got to tell you that. I did get to tell you "I love you" though so I think that's good enough._

_I love you. I don't know if you loved me like I did you, but if you didn't, thank you for letting me keep my fantasy. And I hope that all of you, but most of all you, find happiness._

_Your comrade, friend, and most of all partner, Allen._

Regret welled in Kanda's chest as his eyes returned to the word the second to last sentence. His hands shook and the letter fluttered out of his fingers. They curled into tight fists. He couldn't understand the raw emotions roiling in his chest. They coiled tightly in the middle of his chest in a tight ball that threatened to burst.

"Kanda?" Lenalee whispered in a choked, concerned voice against his ear, "What's wrong? Are you alright?"

It was at the moment that he felt the tears rolling silently down his pale cheeks. He rubbed them away with the heel of his hand, but more simply took their place. They blurred his vision, and dripped off his chin to soak into the bottom edge of the page, and smearing the ink of other letters.

"Yu?" Lavi asked, leaving forward to look at Kanda's face. His face was as tear stained as Lenalee's, his eyes bloodshot with tears still coursing their way down his face. He had a teasing smile curling up the corners of his mouth before he noticed the scattered letters across his lap.

"I didn't tell him," Kanda whispered miserably, his shoulders hitching uncharacteristically with his voice. Honestly, this whole situation was uncharacteristic for him.

"Kanda?" Lenalee asked, leaning back to get a clearer look at his face.

"I should have told him," he gasped, trying to compose himself, but his body and emotions were working against, and wouldn't let that happen. Instead, he was quickly shattering, and he didn't know if he'd be able to pick the pieces back up.

Lenalee's voice was soft and soothing as she said, more than asked, "You really loved him didn't you?" She stood, pulling him into a tight hug. She dropped her face into his hair, her tears coming faster now.

Kanda wrapped his arms around her waist with less than his usual reluctance. It felt like a need he had to give into at the moment. He needed the comfort even if he didn't want it. He didn't even say anything when he felt Lavi wrap his arms around them. "Yes," he admitted, giving his body what it wanted so much. To simply break and shatter until he didn't know if he'd ever be able to live without the warmth of the one he loved.

**I'm just wondering how it was? That's all. Thank you for reading.**


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